Papi, I am so excited about our Christmas dinner tonight!
I've been telling Matt all about your traditional homemade tamales.
- How do these look? - Mmm.
What is that supposed to be?
Potato latkes swimming in oil.
Apparently, Grandpa wants me to be a house by New Year's.
What's that smell, papi? Oh, that's even worse.
Since when do you make potato latkes?
Since I'm inviting someone to join us tonight,
and I think she'd appreciate it
if we celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah.
- Someone? - She?
Hanukkah?
Well, there may be a certain Jewish lady
I'd like to get to know better.
What?
Yeah, after a long-distance relationship,
it was nice to meet someone in the neighborhood.
She's excited to be having dinner with a councilman.
Oh, yeah, Archie's really busy, so...
I just called him. He's coming.
Oh! Great.
- Yay! - Yay.
Now Archie and Matt can finally get to know each other,
and then we can double-date.
Nope. No.
I'm not going to do that thing that I always do,
which is get way ahead of myself and start projecting into the future.
Can you project into this afternoon and have him bring drinks?
Turns out, cooking Christmas and Hanukkah dinner is quite a schlep.
I'd help, but I have Model UN until 7:00. I'm Sweden.
That's great, mi hijo. Come home when you can.
See if you can get us a discount on a Volvo.
As Sweden, you get a lot of that.
Oh. Papi, don't worry,
I promise I will start helping you as soon as I get home.
- Me, too. - No breakfast?
No. Actually, I'm feeling kind of queasy today.
That's weird. Me, too.
Really? Yeah.
I hope we're not coming down with something.
All right, I'm off to work!
Love you all! Have a good day! Bye.
- Bobby! - Chipmunk.
Hey.
Hey, hon, you know you're gonna get over your crush on me one day, right?
You're so funny. Bye.
See you, have a good day.
Bobby.
- What are you doing here? - I came...
No! I know exactly what you're doing here, and I don't like it.
What happened between us, that cannot happen again, okay?
I came to give Justin a ride to school, okay?
- He's got a bulky project. - He does not have a bulky project.
Thanks so much, Bobby.
Who knew that "Nobel Prize Winners and What They Wore"
could be so heavy?
Hey, Mr. Suarez.
Hey, Bobby. I was just about to put up the manger.
Do you like our baby Jesus?
We've had him since someone stole our original 14 years ago.
I had nothing to do with that. I swear.
Can we go? Jimmy Carter's cardigan just slipped off the hanger.
Let me give you a hand with that.
Thank you.
It's official. Jumpsuits are back! Again!
Thank or curse former Mode evil queen, Wilhelmina Slater,
who started the trend after being spotted about town
in a one-size onesie.
In other news, Connor Owens,
former Mode finance whiz turned caged con man,
is behind bars for stealing the Meade fortune.
Officials are searching for the missing monies.
Let's hope enough of it turns up to buy Willie a belt.
After all, Ms. Slater, a waist is a terrible thing to waste.
What was she thinking?
I've seen actual blueberries look less round.
I think it's quite flattering.
Oh, Marc. She's gone. You don't have to defend her anymore.
Mom, leave him alone.
He's just working through a little Stockholm syndrome.
She was the Symbionese Liberation Army to my Patty Hearst.
She even bought me a beret.
Speaking of accessories, the ascot's really working.
- You think so? - Trust me.
Mom, we really need to move on a new creative director.
I don't like how Hartley's dragging his heels
on that list of candidates I gave him.
He's considering a few other ideas that are a little more outside the box.
- Don't worry about it. - Don't worry about it?
My mom's letting her soulless new boyfriend call the shots.
That seems like good, solid business sense to me.
Look, Daniel. It's Cal's money that's keeping this company alive.
And if you will recall,
our money is gone because of your friend.
God, I hope he rots in jail. That traitor deserves whatever he gets.
How on earth did you manage to swing daily conjugal visits?
Well, having a senator as a father certainly has its perks.
Willie, as fun as this is,
we didn't have you turn me in for nothing.
I know you want to be back at Mode.
So you do your part, I'll do mine,
and we'll have you back there in no time.
Well, I hope it takes longer than that.
These past three weeks have been heaven.
Aside from my tailoring bill.
You've got to stop literally ripping my clothes off.
I can't afford to be caught sneaking out again
in one of your ridiculous jumpsuits.
It's a miracle I could pass it off as a trend.
You know, some idiots will wear anything.
How long do we have to keep hiding from her?
Well, until we're less obviously happy.
- Hmm. That could take a while. - I know. I love our new thing.
No labels, no expectations. Just living in the moment.
Oh! By the way, will you bring drinks to dinner tonight?
Something fancy? My dad's trying to impress a new lady friend.
Some guys never stop trying too hard.
You want to see me break dance?
Not now. But no expectations.
What are you thinking about? You're glowing.
Nothing. I guess you make me glow.
Mrs. Meade!
You'll be landing at the Sioux Falls Regional Airport at 2:35.
I'm sorry I didn't book it sooner,
but those dopes at the international terminal
kept telling me I was calling the wrong place.
Amanda. Am I doing the right thing chasing after my lost son?
I mean, what if he has a terrible life because I gave him up?
What if he doesn't want to know me? What if he hates me?
Mrs. Meade, you're putting way too much pressure on my hand.
Look, you just have to show up and see him.
And you'll know what to do next.
Thank you, Amanda.
But not looking like that.
You're going to South Dakota. You have to blend in.
Less "money" and more "food stamp. "
Come on. We're gonna give you a "makeunder. "
I've got the Silver Fox...
Oh, the decorations are so beautiful.
Yeah.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I don't know why I'm so emotional these days.
Hi, welcome to Macy's Believe station.
For every letter mailed to Santa, Macy's will donate a dollar,
up to a million dollars, to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
- That is so nice! - That's great.
Now, I'm gonna ask Santa to make sure that, one day,
every child is happy and healthy.
Sure. And I always ask for world peace.
And what did you ask Santa for?
Well, I can't tell you. Then I won't get it.
Your wife's very superstitious.
- Oh, she's not... - I'm not his wife.
Wow, January Jones for our March cover?
- That's exciting. - Enough Sad Men.
Isn't she a little played out?
- I love her. - I love her, too.
You know, Marc, it's okay.
You can totally disagree with Daniel,
and he doesn't hit you or psychically shame you in any way.
It's confusing.
By the way, your tie is really wide.
Yeah, it's an ascot.
We're playing. Mmm.
You realize that's kind of my bagel you're eating?
I'm sorry.
I've been feeling sick all morning, and now I'm starving.
You can have it. I'll go get my own.
- Hi, honey. - Hello.
Daniel, Marc, I would like you to meet Denise Ludwig,
our new creative director.
Denise, this is Daniel Meade, our editor in chief.
Hey, it is great to meet you.
Are you ready to kick this thing in the ass?
Yeah. Denise here was head of development for White Line Pictures.
This little lady is gonna bring Mode magazine
a touch of Tinseltown magic.
And you sure as hell could use it.
I'm here to commercialize your message,
just like I did for White Line.
I was the one that took them from yawn-fest indie darlings
to back-to-back blockbuster tent poles.
I get back-to-back tent poles just thinking about it.
I'm kidding, you can't sue me.
Actually, you can try. I'd like to see that.
Cal, we need to talk for a minute.
Why don't I show you the tanning bed?
- Solid. - Okay, what are you trying to pull?
My mother and I submitted a list of top candidates in the business.
You hire someone not even in the business,
without discussing it with us?
Well, I'll discuss it with your mom when she gets into bed tonight.
And with regard to your problems with Denise,
my money, my choice.
Please.
You shouldn't be standing in your condition.
Oh, um...
No. I'm not...
No breakfast? No.
Actually, I'm feeling kind of queasy today.
You do know you're eating my bagel?
I've been feeling so sick all day, and now I'm starving.
What are you thinking about? You're glowing.
No labels, no expectations. Just living in the moment.
...pregnant.
Cleanup on aisle seven.
Excuse me. Hi, can you tell me where the...
Um, you know what? Never mind. I probably don't need it.
It's all in my head.
How'd you know?
Darling, I know that look.
I didn't work 25 years
at the Barnard Health Services for nothing.
Just make sure that you wait the full three minutes
for a plus or a minus sign.
And the saltines and the ginger ale?
Sodas and crackers, aisle four and aisle five.
Thank you.
Hi. I need a Be Shure and a non-see-through bag.
I'm a little late.
- Pay at the front. - Thanks. Saltines and ginger ale?
Crackers and sodas, aisle five and aisle four.
And honey, relax. Maybe you aren't.
I don't think so. This is the one test I never fail.
Unbelievable.
So, how do you want to take down Ms. Cecil B. Female?
Dig dirt? Blackmail? Twitter backlash? How do you want to play this?
You know what? I don't want to play this. At all.
Denise isn't the real problem, Hartley is.
Soon as the FBI finds out where Connor hid the money,
we'll buy him out, fire Denise, no need for crazy schemes.
It's like I'm in a new land where the customs are so strange.
She's here.
Daniel. Marc.
- Willie, I... - I'm really not interested.
- Okay. - Daniel, admit it. You need me.
You'll never get that money from Connor unless I help you,
and I won't help you unless I'm reinstated in my old position first.
Actually, Willie, I don't need you. The FBI is locating the money for us.
The FBI. Cute.
And your replacement started today.
All right, then. I want every stick out.
Yes, ma'am.
You'll be better off without me.
Clearly, I'm no longer the trendsetting icon I used to be.
Nice jumpsuits, ladies.
Call me if you need me.
My help has arrived!
I'll be right down in a minute.
I've got to get in there! - Okay!
Hold on just one second! Finishing up!
Betty, seriously, come on already!
Coming!
- I gotta pee. - Okay.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Excuse me. I need a bandage.
Okay, one second!
- When did you get home? - I've been here.
- What? - What?
Why are you two still up here? I need your help.
And that pot of tzimmes is not gonna make itself.
- Just a minute, papi. I've got to pee. - I've got to pee, too.
You were just in here.
Okay, okay.
- No, I've gotta pee! - Hilda! So do I!
I am older!
That hurt!
Hilda, come on! Seriously! How long does it take you to pee?
Come on, seriously, I've got to get in there!
Okay. All right, all right.
- Betty, I need to talk to you. - Not now!
Betty!
Shoot.
Betty, I need to talk to you. It's important.
Oh, my God.
No, Betty, seriously, I gotta talk to you.
Coming!
Coming.
Betty. Betty...
- I'm pregnant. - What? I'm pregnant!
What? Girls! Downstairs right now!
There you are.
Can you get the brisket out of the oven, please?
So, you got burned?
What? No, I didn't get...
Oh! Yeah. I got burned.
How? Weren't you being careful?
Of course I was being careful. Why, weren't you being careful?
Well, yeah, well, not as careful as I should have been. Ow!
Burned twice?
That's what happens when you don't wear an oven mitt.
- Hey. - Hey.
This is the chair Willie got me
when I told her the one I had was comfortable.
This mark here?
I was injecting her with Botox, and I missed
and hit a vein in her forehead.
She ripped the needle out of my hand, threatened to plunge it into my eye,
and said if it weren't for my clogged pores,
my tiny brain would have seeped out long ago.
Good riddance, huh?
Yeah. Good riddance.
Still waiting on that order, Tyler.
Coming up.
All right.
You're not from around here.
What gave me away?
- You have all your teeth. - Ah. Yeah.
What can I get you?
Much as I'd love to say scotch rocks, I'll just go with a cranberry and soda.
Ah, you, too, huh? I used to pound pretty hard in college myself.
You went to college! I mean, you just seem so young.
Community college. A couple classes, you know.
Learned enough to realize that a few more shots
and it would all go south pretty fast.
Hmm.
It's genetic, I guess.
That's what I hear.
Can I get you some Beer Nuts?
Oh, that'd be lovely.
So, what do we do now?
I don't know.
You can cube cheese.
I'll get that.
- This is crazy! - I don't believe it!
- Are you gonna tell Archie? - Are you gonna tell Matt?
- I don't know! - I don't know!
Hilda, what am I going to do? I can't have a baby!
- I know! - I mean, I've thought about it.
You know, maybe. Someday. But not now!
And my career, finally! And papi, what are we gonna tell papi?
Nothing tonight, okay?
We don't tell anybody anything tonight. Let's just get through dinner.
- But what if... - Papi is not gonna find out,
'cause we're not gonna say anything, Betty.
And we are the only ones who know.
Hilda, Betty, this is Jean.
She works at the drugstore.
- Hi! - Hi!
Hi.
What beautiful daughters you have.
I'm surprised I've never seen either of them in the neighborhood before.
Are you well?
- Yeah, thanks. - Yes, thank you for asking.
Are you positive?
Okay. Where can I put my apple cake?
I'll take it.
I'll get that.
Hey! We both brought booze.
Oh!
- Just call us your sugar daddies. - Okay!
Phone call! A Mode magazine?
That's Daniel.
- He can wait. - No, go, go.
You have to make him believe I'm the only route to that money.
Convince him you still love me,
just like you convinced me two minutes ago.
Go!
Daniel. How sweet of you to call.
I don't believe it's gone, you lying son of a...
Oh, it's not gone. Not that you're ever gonna see it again.
That money is mine!
You want to talk about mine and yours?
Let's talk about Molly.
She was mine until you stole her from me.
And in a way, you stole Willie from me, too.
Willie? Connor, what the hell are you talking about?
I loved her. I wanted to give her everything.
She chose you and your company over me.
You're never getting that money back, Daniel.
You've got enough from me already.
You Marc St. James?
Oh! There must be a mistake. This is supposed to go to Ms. Slater's.
She said she wanted you to have it.
Anyway, my niece made it,
and I thought it might be nice to light alongside the tree.
Absolutely. That is exactly the spirit
in which I whipped up these multicultural holiday cocktails.
I present to you mulled kosher wine.
This is terrible.
Is it okay if we have beer?
Yeah, that stuff is gross.
Look, I got it. Who wants a beer? Matt? Betty?
- Sure. - No, thank you.
Oh, yeah, we got it. Come on.
How could you turn down a beer?
- I don't like beer. - I don't care.
Passing on a drink is a rookie mistake.
It's the first thing that makes everyone think you're pregnant.
Well, I'm sorry. I've never hidden a pregnancy before.
Well, you need to get good at it. And fast.
If somebody offers you a drink, you take it,
you put your tongue in the top and then you don't drink. Duh.
Oh. Right, duh. I don't know why I didn't know that.
Girls! Where are you?
Okay, here we are!
Here you go! Yum, beer.
But you don't like beer.
Sure I do.
Oh, God, here. Let me help you with that.
I told you to act like you wanted a drink, not like you were drunk!
Hilda, I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
Papi's date is the woman I bought my pregnancy test from.
Wait. She's who I bought my pregnancy test from today.
I could barely get home fast enough.
What? You took your test today? Upstairs?
Yeah, well, I tried, but papi knocked. I had to stop halfway through.
Well, when you knocked, I had to stop. I freaked out. I dropped my test.
I dropped my test. I had to sneak back in,
- pick it up off the floor. - Well, I picked mine up off the floor!
Wait, did we check the same test?
I don't know. I threw mine in the garbage.
I threw mine in the garbage!
Here they come.
- Where you going? - Um, I'm cold.
Yeah. Grabbing a sweater!
Scotch and soda, whiskey neat,
Seven and Seven. Thanks.
Seems like a strange job for you to take.
- Temptation all around. - Well, if they're paying, I'm working.
You know, here, the post office, wherever.
My mom had to quit her job a couple years ago, so...
I'm sorry.
- Is she all right? - Yeah. She's a fighter.
I'm sorry.
You're supposed to be here on vacation,
not listening to my troubles.
So, what have you seen so far?
Nothing. I just got here.
Well, we've got more than Mount Rushmore.
We've got the Badlands, Crazy Horse Memorial,
and a whole bunch of meth labs.
That sounds great. No. Not the meth labs.
That was a joke.
So, if you want, I can tell you some cool places to check out.
I would like that very much.
Oh.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You're very kind.
- Negative! One is negative! - Oh, thank God.
And positive. Oh, God, I hope it's not me.
So you're saying you want it to be me?
No, I just mean that it's gonna be so much easier for you
to tell Archie than for me to tell Matt.
Not really.
What do you mean?
Hilda? What are you saying?
Exactly what you're thinking. Oh, my God!
It's not Archie's?
- Well... - Well, whose would it be?
Oh! Sorry, sorry, it wasn't...
Oh, my God, are you pregnant?
Pregnant? Like pregnant pregnant?
I don't know. I'm not sure.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
I might not be.
See, Hilda took a test and I took a test, and it got mixed-up,
and, well, we don't know whose is whose.
But one of us isn't pregnant. One of us is, we just don't know which.
Whoa.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
Things were so good, are so good, between us,
and this is not anything that either one of us should be thinking about.
- Trust me, I know that. - I hope it's us.
- What? - I kind of want it to be us.
I know. I know it isn't something that we planned, and it's probably...
Okay, okay, definitely, definitely is not the exact right time, but a baby.
With you? How could that be bad?
- Because. Just because... - Betty, listen.
Look, I'm the guy who can never pick the right thing for my life.
Well, maybe the right thing finally picked me.
- Look, Betty. Betty. - Uh...
Whatever problems we have, we can work it out.
No, Matt. I don't want to work it out! I don't want to have a baby right now!
I mean, I can't have a baby at all! I can't be pregnant right now.
Okay, okay. Well, maybe you're not. I'll go pick us up another test.
How? Hilda and I have stalled dinner a hundred times,
there's no way my dad is letting you out of the house.
Don't worry. I'll be subtle.
Finally! Come, sit.
You've been gone so long, your beer's warm.
I'll get more!
Yeah, we sure could use them.
Hilda, I think that's mine.
- Is it? - Yeah, I'm sitting right here.
Who else's would it be?
Hey, anybody want a baby?
I got this for you. It's not because I stole the last one.
- Okay, I stole the last one. - All right.
That was very thoughtful. Jean, Archie, this is Bobby.
- Hey, Bobby, how are you? - Hey.
- How you doing? - Good.
Bobby?
It's Bobby! Bobby in the house! Hey!
Yay! Happy Christmas!
Chipmunk, she's still got a crush on me.
It's so cute. It's okay.
Damn it, Marc. I just got off the phone with the FBI.
They really think the money is gone.
But Connor admitted he knows where it is.
He just won't tell me where.
This ascot is making my neck sweat.
We're experimenting. It's a process. Here.
- What are you going to do? - I don't know.
I mean, if I don't figure this out,
I'm gonna lose my own magazine to my mother,
her stupid boyfriend, and Malibu Barbie.
Technically, the brunette was Skipper.
Okay, Marc.
Daniel, I think that it's time to call Willie.
No. No. Absolutely not.
Besides, she broke Connor's heart.
There's no way he's gonna give her the money.
I'm not so sure.
You see, once you've known Willie,
no matter how terrible she was to you,
you never really get over her.
She will make you do things you swore you'd never do.
I've done it. Connor will do it.
And you'll do it, too. And I'll tell you why.
Because she's Willie. And we're just men.
Wow! It's like you never saw a wing before.
Well...
Look, it was nice meeting you, but I'm getting out of here.
My shift is up, so...
I should be going, too.
Take care. And give my best to your mother.
- Sure. - She's lucky to have you.
Okay.
Ready?
It's beautiful!
Okay, let's all go inside and warm up. Come on.
Bobby, you want to join us?
Oh. No, I think he's got other things he's got to do, right?
No, not really. No, I... Yeah.
All right, welcome.
Oh, thank you.
I think you're in my spot.
I didn't know it was yours.
Hey.
- I thought you were bringing beer. - They were out.
Well, you know how it is with the holidays and alcoholics.
That's true.
Well, all that matters is we can
finally sit down to a nice meal.
Jean, please light the menorah. Matt, let me help you with that coat.
Oh, no, papi!
I'm gonna say the prayer in English
for everybody to understand. No, I got it. I got it.
All right.
Dear God. ... coat already!
Dear God.
Excuse me.
It wasn't me. I swear.
Oh! Thank God! Thank God!
- Right? - Yeah.
I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little disappointed,
but it's all for the best. I was getting ahead of myself.
- It's not the right time. - Not at all.
Oh, my God, I have to tell Hilda.
Yeah, but it's not that bad.
I mean, she's practically engaged to Archie, right?
Betty? What's going on?
Whatever it is, I support you. Look, I'm not mad.
- All clear. - Thank you, God.
I was going to kill myself. Sorry, mi hija.
It's fine, papi. I'm relieved, too.
- Good. - Me, too. She said it first.
Look, let's just all go downstairs and try to have a nice,
traditional Christmas Hanukkah. Oh, um...
Papi, can you just wait before you...
False alarm!
All right!
Back soon. Sweater.
But you're already wearing a sweater.
No, no, no, no, no, come on.
Let's all go in and start this dinner. Please.
Okay. Good. I'm starving.
I've been there, pal.
Mmm. Well, you'll never guess what I'm getting you for Kwanzaa.
Hold on. Call waiting.
- Yello? - Amanda, I did it.
I saw him, I talked to him, and now I'm done.
So he knows who you are?
No. And he's never going to.
Holy smoke! That lady just left me, like, two grand.
Someone thinks you're cute.
Here we go. Jean, I'm so sorry about your menorah.
Oh, it's fine.
Between the Long Island nieces and the Brooklyn nephews,
I have handmade menorahs coming out of my tokhes.
It would have been nice to light it, though.
Well, we could improvise with votive candles.
No offense to the blessed saints, but around here,
we've got those coming out of our tokhes.
- Where are the candles? - I'll go look.
Here goes nothing.
Daniel. Marc. What took you so long?
Hilda.
You know, I never got into all the saint stuff, Betty.
Well, it never made sense to me. They all look so happy suffering.
But now I get it.
What I did with Bobby, what I did to Archie,
I'm a bad person.
I want to suffer. I deserve it.
I wish that someone would peel my skin off,
or drag me behind a bunch of horses, or make me swallow coals, you know?
Are you absolutely sure that it's not...
Yeah. He's been really busy with the campaign.
These aren't about the baby, by the way.
I've been lighting them all week. I just...
I needed some sign, you know, about whether or not
I should break up with such a good guy.
Well, I got my sign.
I don't belong with Archie.
I just... I don't know if I'm gonna have the guts to tell him.
Hilda.
Maybe you didn't make the best choice.
But you are a really good person.
And you don't deserve to suffer.
Thanks.
But you know you still have to tell Archie
that you don't want to be with him, right?
Really?
Couldn't you just peel my skin off?
Can I come in?
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
Hi.
- What's with all the candles? - It's nothing.
It's not nothing, Hilda.
Your father invited me here tonight, not you.
And every time I get near you,
you make some excuse to run off into the kitchen or rush upstairs.
And today, when that woman thought you were my wife,
you looked like you'd seen a ghost.
- I'm sorry, I... - No, it's okay.
I love you, Hilda,
and I know you care for me,
but there's someone out there
who's gonna be thrilled to be mistaken for my wife,
and I deserve to find that person.
And you deserve to find that person, too.
I hoped it could be me,
but since it isn't, it's time for me to say goodbye.
Happy New Year.
So, provided I can get Connor to give me the money...
We buy out Hartley and reinstate you at Mode with 50% ownership.
With equal veto power.
- Yes. - Yes.
May I now kiss the bride?
Not so fast.
Can you really do this without consulting your mother first?
Please, focus on getting that money back.
Oh, I will. And I don't care if I have to go to that filthy prison every day to do it.
Babe, don't worry, all right? I'm not gonna come around anymore.
I know that it makes you nervous. I don't like that.
Well, maybe a little.
Bobby.
What?
It's okay if you want to drive Justin home now and then,
from school, you know, since it's so cold out.
Good. And I like having dinner here.
Holidays with my family, they're always so full of drama.
Yeah.
That was a lovely dinner. You have such a nice family.
Thank you. We should do this again.
Maybe Easter Passover?
I'd like that. Just don't tell my mother.
She'd kill me if she knew I was dating someone who wasn't Jewish.
I'm sorry I freaked out before.
Everything you said was so sweet.
I wasn't really in a place to hear it, but I'm really glad you said it.
I meant it.
I know, I know, it's not the right time,
but when we were waiting for the thing,
it was like I could see our whole future falling into place all around us.
That's crazy, right?
No, that's not crazy. Sometimes I imagine that, too.
What do you see?
It's silly.
And I'd much rather focus on what I'm seeing right now.
That sounds good, too.
Merry Christmas Hanukkah.